"If that which you are hiding behind your back is what I believe it to be, you would be well advised to Banish it!"

"How am I meant to know if it's what you believe it to be?" Hermione demanded in her don't-you-start-with-me-Severus-Snape tone.

"Is it by any chance a birthday card, purportedly meant to be funny but actually depressingly accurate, with my age in huge numbers on the front?"

Hermione settled herself on her husband's lap, one hand dropping to the front of his trousers. "Not unless you've been cunningly hiding a colostomy bag down there without me even noticing."

"A man might wonder what temporary insanity made him marry a harpy twenty years his junior. It's not too late for me to petition for a divorce, woman."

"On what grounds?"

"Mental cruelty. I'm sure many members of the Wizengamot would sympathise if I told them my young wife consistently made comments about my supposed decrepitude. That is not a colostomy bag."

"I really do think I should investigate more fully," Hermione insisted, placing the envelope she'd been carrying on the breakfast table and sliding to her knees. One button at a time she loosened her husband's flies. "No, you're absolutely right, no colostomy bag, in fact everything here seems to be working perfectly to me." She placed a long wet kiss to the tip of his erect cock, and then levered herself back upright using a hand on each of his knees. "You're just grumpy because Harry Floo-ed before you got your birthday shag!"

"So kind of him to remind me what a huge milestone it is," Severus sneered, even as he took his wife's hand and let her lead him back to the bedroom.

"It is a huge milestone. One that should be celebrated properly and at leisure... unless, of course, you'd rather just have a nice cup of tea?"

"I'm still not that far gone, witch."

"You know there's an old Muggle saying... You're only as old as the woman you feel."

Severus gave a disgusted snort. "And a hundred and thirty-one is so much better!"